J*A*S*M

Horror comedies often turn out to be great (Evil Dead II, Tremors, Botched), and less often they turn out to be utter duds that fill the very bottom of the horror pond (Killer Pad among the more recent ones). Neither of those possibilities apply to The Cottage, to me it was better average. It won’t leave a mark in the annals of horror, but it’s still good as something to watch once. The story is pretty simple, it would never be enough for serious horror, so the combination with comedy was probably the only good approach. Some parts are quite bloody, it’s funny at times, there’s a decent atmosphere here and there, so I’m satisfied. I’m giving it three stars, I thought the similarly conceived Hatchet was better.

Very, very boring “sequel” that has nothing to do with the previous episodes of the series. The twist is something that I could appreciate in another film, but the build-up in this one was so weird that I couldn’t enjoy it much. It’s clear again that the problem of the latest Hellraiser sequels are the screenwriters, who come up with some sort of twist that they force into an hour of nonsensical story, and poor Rick Bot has to direct that. The planned remake of the original Hellraiser is perhaps the only hope to get this franchise back to prominence, because I can’t imagine anything serious could follow Hellworld. My ranking: H1, H5, H2, H7, H3, H4, H6, H8

Surprisingly not as bad as I expected. The main problem of Hellraiser’s latest sequels is not Rick Bot (who has actually improved a lot since the previous episode), but the script, which is so messy it can hardly hold the plot together by the end. Fortunately, this time they’ve managed to conjure a pretty decent atmosphere, which was somewhat reminiscent of the brilliant first film, and several truly good scenes, and I can give it three stars without any complaints. My ranking: H1, H5, H2, H7, H3, H4, H6, H8

The longest part of the story was very boring, I couldn’t understand what was going on, the screenwriter made a royal mess out of it. The last 10 minutes or so, after that jumble got sorted out, were quite watchable. By the end it does make a little bit of sense, but it’s not enough to overcome the negative impression, mainly because of the chaste direction and the absence of the bloodiness typical of Hellraiser. Hellseeker feels like a poor imitation of previous entries (both in the detective part and in the twist) that it’s unable to keep any tension. Bottom line: another pointless sequel. My ranking: H1, H5, H2, H7, H3, H4, H6, H8

Hands down the best episode after the first. The Cenobites lead by Pinhead are not given much space, which I didn’t mind after the bullshit that were Hell on Earth and Bloodline. A great part of the film felt like something very far from the idea of Hellraiser, but by the end they provide a reasonable explanation (it may not follow on the ideas of previous episodes, but I still liked it), and I think a weak four-star rating is warranted. And if the film had a different name, and there was another monster instead of Pinhead, and the mechanism that unleashes everything was not a cube, those four stars would be damn strong. My ranking: H1, H5, H2, H7, H3, H4, H6, H8

Wow! This is a screenwriting monstrosity of biblical proportions. The special effects are good, but can’t save the plot. The film has no atmosphere whatsoever, Pinhead is not very impressive, either. Utter dud, really. The story takes place on three timelines and I can’t decide which is the worst, they all felt equally bad. Very weak two stars and only because I’m in an amicable mood right now. My ranking: H1, H5, H2, H7, H3, H4, H6, H8

No, no and no! A typically bad low-budget flick, this time with a murderous cook. It’s a very unbalanced combination of stupid teenage comedy (stupid even for the standards of stupid teenage comedies) and horror. Well, horror, cringe-worthy slasher without atmosphere, rather, because the nutter that runs around the building sporting a angry face and chopping people up with an axe can’t generate much fear. Yeah, as I’m sure you’ve realised, I don’t recommend this film, but it’s still watchable (hardly so), so at least one star.

Another quality drop from the second episode. Hell on Earth is nothing but a silly B-movie. Pinhead and the new Cenobites (not very good, by the way) are finally given enough space, but they’ve also lost all that hellish elegance, so I can’t judge that very positively. The script is pretty awful, it has none of the breathtaking atmosphere of the first and, to some extent, second episodes. The only improvement are the special effects, but not by much and I can’t count that in my evaluation. The second, more action packed half at least compensates for the incredibly boring first half, so I’m giving it two stars, but I’m very wary of the next episodes. My ranking: H1, H5, H2, H7, H3, H4, H6, H8

Much worse than the first part. The special effects are on the same level, the performances are similarly wanting, there is less atmosphere and the script is quite confusing at times, but the worst for me is how little Pinhead and his Cenobites show up. After the thrilling first part, Hellbound was quite a disappointment, especially because of the second half (the first half is better than good) – I didn’t like how hell looked and the special effects were bad (all the atmosphere is lost when they enter hell), and not even the climax was very good. Weak three stars. My ranking: H1, H5, H2, H7, H3, H4, H6, H8

I really don’t know why I avoided Hellraiser for so long, but whatever the reason was, it was a mistake. The original story with an at times very good atmosphere is well supported by quality gore, and that, together with the demonically charming Cenobites, would be good enough reason for a five star rating. But I’m giving it “only” four stars due to the pretty bad special effects for today’s standards (especially by the end), the poor performances and the occasional naive dialogues. My ranking: H1, H5, H2, H7, H3, H4, H6, H8