Necrotongue

If only the plot of the seventh episode wasn't so painfully predictable. Even in the seventh season, some characters, driven by an "excellent" script, still think making a deal with Cersei is a good idea? Congratulations on the award for naivety. Bronn gave me a good laugh when he talked about the disadvantage of light cavalry while looking out from the battlements. But the top comedic scene was definitely Bran Stark's conversation with Samwell Tarly: "I can see things that happened in the past. I can see things happening now, all over the world. Why did you come to Winterfell?" Kudos to the writers for managing to contradict the first sentence with the very next one — that’s some award-worthy scriptwriting right there!

I was "thrilled" with the brilliantly written dialogues — Jon and Jorah debating over the sword had me thinking they should just sell it on eBay. And let’s not even talk about the painfully "funny" Hound and Tormund exchange. The trek to the pole was quite the adventure, almost felt like spotting Roald Amundsen himself. The nod to the first marathon runner didn't go unnoticed either. Littlefinger's scheming is now so weak it could only fool someone like Dontos the Red. And poor dragon, getting hit right in the engine by the Night King. I always thought it was perpetually freezing north of the Wall, but apparently lakes only freeze over when you're surrounded (WTF?). The moment they pulled the dragon out of the lake, it hit me—the Night King is basically the Lich King, his undead army is the Scourge, and Game of Thrones has turned into World of Warcraft: Wrath of the Lich King.

No way! I had given up hope on the one-armed bandit, but they pulled it off despite the full plate armor. What a pleasant surprise. I realize I'm nitpicking, but how did the Lannisters get asbestos for their banners? I get that the creators wanted even the biggest idiot to understand whose army lost supplies to dragon fire, but am I really supposed to believe that wood and meat burned, yet the fabric didn’t? The only real surprise was Gilly. Who knew she was such a little scholar? I thought Jon was a Targaryen bastard, but now it’s clear he’s legit. Isn’t that awesome?

The writers returned to their reliable formula of meaningless conversations, with Littlefinger leading the charge. For comic relief, they had Arya, armed with her Needle, sparring against Brienne and her hefty sword — naturally, Arya handles it like a true Stark. And now, major spoiler alert: Guess who didn’t drown? The Emmy for Best TV Survival goes to... Bronn! Wow, what a load of nonsense.

Episode three was beyond illogical; it was a disaster. Euron and his massive fleet, seemingly powered by some undefined form of hyperdrive, make the Kraken from Clash of the Titans look like a minor inconvenience. Whatever powers his ships also seems to work for infantry, allowing Jaime to lead a Blitzkrieg that would make Dolfi green with envy. And poor Sansa — it's bad enough Ramsay did whatever he wanted with her, but now she finds out her brother recorded the whole thing? That's a real downer.

I found myself laughing a lot as the dialogue was full of ridiculous lines. The experts in King's Landing needed an entire day and night to design and build an anti-dragon scorpion. The attack plans from Daenerys's coalition were so grandiose they almost overshadowed the Leyte landing. And Samwell Tarly must be related to the Boltons of the Dreadfort. Plus, the eunuch's night of passion – what would Varys say about that?

I'm not seeing any improvement from the previous season so far. Arya's face-swapping shenanigans are starting to remind me of Fantômas. I did enjoy seeing Cersei redecorate the throne room and the royal guard, as well as Samwell's studies at the Citadel. But seriously, how many ships does Euron have? How is it that the Greyjoys aren't ruling Westeros with an armada like that? And how did Varys get back to Daenerys so quickly?

Season 6 almost buried the series for me. I’m saying almost because I've made it through six seasons, so I won't be a pussy and I'll make it through the seventh. Okay, to be fair, I enjoyed Season 4 quite a bit. Season 5 was still alright, but what to say of Season 6? The biggest problem was that the writers rejected any kind of logic. If something doesn't make sense to me, I'm hardly going to like it. They didn’t bother with storytelling either. It was just about the need to shock at any cost. But not even that worked, which it couldn’t, given how predictable everything was.

I'm sorry, but a series without logic just doesn't work for me. Unlike the hardened Northerners, I wasn't moved or impressed by the scene of the new King in the North. I have many questions about this episode, but I'll limit myself to three: How did Monster Gregor get into Tommen's chamber? Where was the King's Guard? Who did Arya kill to get the face she used to murder Walder Frey? Despite the grand moments and dramatic twists, these plot holes make it hard for me to fully enjoy the show.

I'm giving this episode my highest rating of the season because it packed two battles into one episode, finally giving us some action. However, I can't give it more stars due to the sheer amount of nonsense. For instance: where were the bulldozers that piled up the bodies so neatly during the battle? Why did Daenerys wait until half the city was burning before destroying the enemy fleet? Why did Jon act like an idiot in battle? Yara and Theon left the Iron Islands with a fleet of a hundred ships, which would require at least 2,500 crew members (assuming 25 per ship). This would make House Greyjoy the most powerful in Westeros, as most of their population stayed with Euron. Sansa's advice to Jon can be summed up as, "Why don't you ask for my opinion when I know nothing about warfare?"